Drinkers in the Dog and Shitter pub, Newcastle, were horrified but not surprised when regular patron Greg Haggart, 31, was suddenly anally-penetrated by Joshua Palace, 26, during a game of snooker. "Well, I was just enjoying a game of snooker and a few pints with me mate Ian, like," Haggart recalled. "Everyone else had seen this really poofy twat walk into the pub a few minutes ago. Now usually they'd tell us to watch our backs, like, keep our arses to the wall and that."

But sadly for Haggart no such warning was given. Palace, an obvious homosexual due to his tight white jeans and mincing manner, was allowed to pass by unremarked. "I'd been at the beers, like," explained Greg's mate Ian, 33. "I was pretty fucking blathered, y'know? Usually I keep me eyes open, like, 'cause you never know when some queer is going to come up behind us. But I guess I let me vigilance slide, like. And look what happened."

Haggart went on to described his horrific experience. "I were just leaning well over the table to knock a red into the far corner pocket, when suddenly I felt me trousers being pulled down and I was being fucking raped, like. He was really quick, though. You'd barely know he'd been, like, they get you that fast."

Landlord of the Dog and Shitter, Bobby Sowe, 55, voiced his shock. "Aye. It was well shocking and that. But I'm not surprised. We always try and give out warning, something like 'Hey, lads! Watch your backs!' or 'Backs to the walls, lads! He plays for the other team!', and there's a reason for that."

Roger Shaftsbury, 49, of the APPA (Anti-Poof Penetration Alliance) expressed his empathy for Haggart. "It's well-known that this kind of homosexual rape is common. Who in this country hasn't bent over to play pool or to tie a shoe-lace, then suddenly felt a man's hard, rigid cock slide gently into his supple, welcoming buttocks? This sort of thing is disgusting and it must be stopped. I demand the police crack down on it immediately."

"Crack down on it? That's pretty funny!" remarked Chief of Police David Harris, 59. "But I would like to stress that hit-and-run penetration, as the tabloids have dubbed it, is a huge problem in this country. I can only urge red-blooded men to call out such things as 'No Entry on my arse, mate!', 'Don't bend over, he'll get you!' and 'Uh oh, here comes the Smoky the Arse-bandit!' whenever they see someone who looks suspiciously homosexual. That's the only way this epidemic can be averted."