Shortly after a new ad campaign by the multinational computer company for their new product 'Windows XP', the country was struck by a rash of horrific deaths. The first of these occurred on a residential apartment block in Independence, Missouri. Said Police Chief Jack McGarthy, 46, "It was horrific. Shortly after viewing the advert the victim, Kevin Brown, threw himself from the ninth-story window of his apartment and into the flow of traffic below. He was extremely dead by the time we scraped him off the sidewalk. Although I guess he was dead before that, really."

After the first incident several more cases appeared; one in Delaware, two in Austin, Texas and three in parts of Iowa. At first detectives blamed an Islamic plot, but gradually it became clear that the only linking factor was the recent viewing of the said advert. Louise Ming, 13, was a friend of one of the victims. "It was totally unreal. We were watching this stupid gay advert, then Jimmy just ran for the window and hurled himself out. It was so lame."

Another common factor was discovered when detectives found that all of the victims had recently installed Windows XP on their computers, or had purchased a computer with Windows XP pre-installed on it. "Pre-installed means that the program has been installed already, like when you buy and house and it's already got carpets or something," explained computer expert Randy Wilkins, 17. "A program is something which makes your PC go faster," he added.

"We realized what had occurred when we viewed the advert," revealed FBI Agent Fiblen Banks, 37. "It depicts a number of individuals apparently 'flying' after utilizing multimedia features of the operating system." The advert had been shown across the world, though for some reason the tragic deaths only occurred inside the United States. "I confess after viewing the advertisement I too felt an urge to throw myself from a tall place," Agent Banks added.

On being confronted by the evidence, Microsoft President Bill Gates admitted the ad campaign had been "deeply unwise ... I will never overestimate the intelligence of the American people again and I am deeply saddened by these events."

Microsoft President and CEO Steve Ballmer addressed a press conference yesterday. "Come on! Yeah! Come on! Yeah, yeah! Come on! Did I say siddown? No! Yeah! I love this company! Yeah, whoo hoo! Microsoft regret the unfortunate loss of life that this advert has caused and would like to offer our personal condolences to the families of those effected. We would also like to make it clear that using Windows XP can in no way allow you to fly, or even levitate. Yeah! Come on! This is a great time! Whoo hoo!"

At this time, Microsoft continues to run the advert.