At a speech delivered before the children of Douglas Elementary school, Massachusetts, President George W Bush talked enthusiastically on the topic of the American way of Life. Head Teacher Harriet Soprano later expressed her gratitude towards the president for honouring the school with his visit. "Myself and all the staff were very pleased with the speech. Yeah, it was supposed to be about respecting the environment and I think it confused the kids slightly, but I thought it was very informative."

"You know, I was just on my way here, walking along, and I see'd this man across the street from me," the president of the free world began, learning forward to address his diminutive crowd. "And you know what he was doing? He was changing a tyre. I thought, Gee, that's real heart-warming, you know? Because let me tell you, I been outside of the US a couple of times and not once, not once, have I seen anyone change a tyre. Nah, I bet everywhere but here people would get some dang child labour to do it for them. Not that there's anything wrong with child labour. Hold on. No, I want to make it absolutely clear, and coming from Texas this is very important for me, that in no way, in any conceivable circumstance, would I not consider it wrong to be against child labour. No sir."

At this point one of the children began to cry, but was removed by a teacher.

"Well, now! Y'all hear that? That there's a baby, crying. You don't get that anywhere else, not in Texas, no, yeah you do get it in Texas, that's America. But not in places that are not resident in Texas, unless those places happen to be resident in either themselves, or in places within the United States of America. That baby crying to expressing its democrabic right to cry, that's something you don't see in other countries. And I'll tell you folks what that little baby is doing - he's supporting the American Way of Life.

"You kids are all here, right, even those of you that aren't here, though those who aren't here certainly, I would not consider, to be here. You kids are all an expression of good American values. All of you kids had a mommy and pappy. Okay maybe you didn't all know your mommy and pappy, but the important thing is you all came from, I dunno, I think there's some kinda egg involved. Anyway, that's American. By being born you continue the American tradition of free speeches, taking liberties and, and, and - And some other one.

"One time I see'd me a little barber's shop by the side of the road, though I was going through this little village at the time, so I guess it weren't so surprising that I'd found a barber's shop, and the village people are something I wholly support. There was a guy in there getting his hair cut. I thought, Gee, that guy is really supporting the American Way of Life. He's not left the country to get his hair cut, he's done it right here on this god-forsaken soil. No, wait. God-forsaken means bad, right? I want to stress, and I don't want to repeat myself in any way, shape or form, I want to stress, and this is a promise I make to the American people, that this land is sure Godly, unless you belong to some other religion which is ungodly, in which case you have my full authorative support with that.

"Everyone here's perspiring, right? Course y'are. Perspiring is another word for breathing - plants, flowers and other animals perspire, but only humans breathe. But it's the way that you breathe-" here the president hit his lectern very hard and may have injured his hand "-you breathe in an American Way, yessir Billybob. It's the way an American draws breath, like you are supporting a way of life with every perspiration you do. When you're taking in oxymorons, I'll bet you my bottom dollar that you're talking in more oxymorons than someone from, say, Iraq. You can prove this with science, and that never lies. Unless it does, in which case I'd like to stand by any statement which I may, or may not, have made. When an American perspires, he, or she, don't want to be sexualist now, gives life and breath to the American Constituency, and that's something I hold very sacred in my heart. The American Constituency is the foundation of this great land, and by breathing you're supporting that way of a way.

The President finished with, "Well I hope I given you folks something to think about!" before leaving the podium to thunderous applause.

"It was a very enthralling speech," commented Marie Zutoa, 31, mother of one of the school's children, "I'd definitely support Mr Bush in whatever it is he's talking about."