1.00pm Dildo Squad 772: Robert Vaughn fights the evil forces of M.A.M.M.A. with a rubber cock.

6.00 BFC News
This week: big fucking explosions and people dying. With that bloke off the telly.
Producer Puff  Daddy                   Subtitles...666

7.00 The Real Breakfast Show
New reality-TV show which takes a new slant on breakfast television. This morning: the dog has ejaculated into Bill's shoes during the night, and the toaster has burnt down the kitchen. With Bill Clinton and Annneka Rice.
Producer Your Mother                    Subtitles...666

8.00 BFC News
Repeated from earlier only with slightly different wording and a prettier newsreader.
Producer Buffy Summers                Subtitles...666

8.20 Look North
Short programme in which children and small animals have their heads put in vices, forcing them to perpetually look northwards.
Producer Xavier Willybiter            Subtitles...666

8.30 New Series
Early D.I.Y. 
New home improvement show where severely hung-over interior decorators masturbate on camera.
Producer Timmy M'Lett                   Subtitles...666

9.00 BFC News Special
Special report highlighting big fucking explosions and people dying. With that pretty one off News 24. No, not her. The other one.
Producer Gudrun Goddygoddy   Subtitles...666

10.00 Jack McSpringer
The show which attempts to create a less exciting but more English version of Jerry Springer continues indefinitely. Today's show: 'Is your boyfriend's mole taking over your life?'
Producer Midal Middens                Subtitles...666

11.00 Say You, Big Cock!
Slightly annoying 50s musical classic starring Elvis Priestly in which two criminals unwittingly rape and murder ten people, and are on the run from the police. Hilarious antics and several musical numbers ensue. Features the hit songs, 'Say you, Big Cock!', 'I Like to Eat the Flesh of Babies (Uh-huh, That's Rock 'n' Roll, Honey)' and 'She Wanted it Really, the Fucking Dirty Whore'.
Jacky Samson..........................................ELVIS PRIESTLY
Ted 'Big Cock' McEyre................................CARY GRANT 
Cheap Whore #7.......................KATHERINE HEPBURN 
Director Ed Cunsteiner (1963, 18)   Subtitles....666

1.00 Dildo Squad 772
Confusing 70s action sci-fi series starring the man from The Man From Uncle in which a team of daring US spies attempt to fight Communism using vintage sex toys.
Producer Harriet                             Subtitles...666

1.45 Sunass Beach Crack
Crap US soap. This episode: Shawn is shocked to find out about Mikina and Jiminy's affair, but becomes distracted by the sight of his own reflection in a piece of glass, and soon forgets about it.
Producer Willy Wanka                Subtitles...666

2.10 Churches of West Glamorgan
Programme featuring the best hardcore video of barely-legal churches and cathedrals in West Glamorgan doing 100% nasty sex acts. Presented by Janet Street-Porter.
Producer Viv Cretin                       Subtitles...666

3.00 BFC News Yet Again
A roundup of the today's news events, featuring big fucking explosions and people dying.
Producer Gonzo Satan                  Subtitles...666

3.30 Home Front in the Slaughterhouse New Series
New show in which Lawrence Llewellen-Bowen and his less annoying partner try and add a touch of simple elegance to slaughterhouses across the country, spreading foot and mouth disease as they go.
Producer My Mate Alan                 Subtitles...666

4.00 Esther
Big-toothed Esther Rantzen chairs another studio debate. This week: is there really any point living?
Producer Zigu Pantherfuka          Subtitles...666

4.30 Ready Steady Cock
Series in which two chefs race against the clock in an attempt to insert the largest vegetable into their guests. Presented by Ainsley Harriet in drag.
Producer H R Leavis                      Subtitles...666

5.15 Der Veakest Link
In a new twist, this week host Anne Robinson gets to decide who is the weakest link, based on their nationality, and then send them to the gas chamber to be killed.
Producer Andrew Hitler                 Subtitles...666

6.00 TOTP 2
Cunt Steve Wright makes fun of the hair and clothes of bands of the eighties. Featuring performances by Z Z Top, the Bee Gees, Culture Club and Sonic Youth. 
Producer Thurston Moore             Subtitles...666

6.45 Robots Which Don't Work
The series where death-defying battlebots break down and don't really do anything at all really. Presented by Craig Charles and Phillipa Forrester wearing a leather thong. This show replaces the advertised programme Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which returns in 19 weeks at 2am and dubbed into Danish for no reason at all.
Producer Leggi Blondd            Subtitles...666

7.30 New Series
Star Trek: The Enterprise House 
Famous stars of the show are locked in a scale model of the Starship Enterprise and forced to reprise their roles for food. This week: Captain Kirk and Odo from Deep Space Nine have sex in the shower, much to the surprise of Uhura and Lieutenant Warf.
Producer Gene Roddenberry    Subtitles...666

8.00 The Dirty Capitalist Programme
Series which shows you how to exploit the Third World and children for your shallow profits. Presented by Nick Ross.
Producer Alan Greenspan        Subtitles...666

9.00 Horizon
Documentary series. This week the benefits of cloning are put forward, and are weighed carefully with the negatives, before a load of sensationalist nonsense fucks everything up. Featuring that picture of the mouse with the ear on it, and that sheep as well. Narrated by Ant 'n' Dec.
Producer Yo Mamma                   Subtitles...666

9.50 Trade Secrets
This week, cab drivers discuss how to get semen and blood stains from leather upholstery, and the best way to become a vigilante killer.
Producer Robert Mcdeniro           Subtitles...666

10.00 Real Bloody Lives
Mind-numbingly dull documentary series following the lives of three middle class suburbanites. This week: Fred has a bit of trouble with the insurance on his Mondeo, Sandra nearly locks herself out, and Lenna tries to remember when the last time she enjoyed sex was. Narrated by Terry Christian.
Producer Stephen Malkmus          Subtitles...666

10.30 Newsnight
An in-depth look at the day's events, featuring big fucking explosions and people dying. Presented by Jeremy Paxman and Kate Aidie performing a '69' sexual position.
Producer Billy Mahonie            Subtitles...666

11.20 The Car's Not Really the Star at all, Now You Come to Think of it
Show where bigoted twat Jeremy Clarkson suddenly realizes that he doesn't really like cars at all, and takes up organic farming. In Belgium.
Producer William Hague               Subtitles...666

11.30 New Series
Spastic Golf 
American replacement for the US open in which those suffering from crippling motor diseases are given golf clubs for a laugh. Still fucking boring, though. With Steve Ryder.
Producer Tom Jones                       Subtitles...666

12.00am Slightly Depressed Jewish Guy in New York 2
Directed, produced, written by and starring Woody Allen. Allen's remake of his 1982 classic 'Slightly Depressed Jewish Guy in New York 1'. A slightly depressed Jewish man manages to get a series of improbably pretty women to have sex with him.
Widdy Ollan.............................................WOODY ALLEN
Jamie.........................................................UMA THURMAN
Harriet Brown....WOODY ALLEN'S EX-WIFE, WHATEVER THE FUCK HER NAME IS 
Candy Ishymura....SOME CHINESE GIRL WHO LOOKS ABOUT 12
Director Woody Allen (1983, 15)       Subtitles....666

1.45 BFC Leaning Zone
More programming for academics and vampires.
1.50 GCSE Drug Dealing
Series tackling the new syllabus. 3. How to get yourself a crack whore.
2.00 Vooley-voos une Stella, sil voo play?
A-level French taught by pissed-up English football fans. This week: how to say 'you are a froggy cunt'.
2.35 Biochemistry and Biology
7. Putting stuff in vials and trying to make it change colour for no reason. Presented by your old science teacher.
3.00 Landrovers Unclothed
Series where the inner workings of classic Landrovers are examined meticulously in a vaguely sexual fashion. This week: Whoa, look at the crankshaft on that! Presented by Graham Threlfall.
3.15 Lemming Molestation: GCSE
Further attempts are made to stray even further from the syllabus. Presented by a very embarrassed Sangeev Bashkar before he was famous.
Producer Me               Subtitles...666