12.00am Eh up, luv: Ken Loach proves he's more working class than thee, directing the gritty short film Jimmy MacFuckinGraggen

6.45 The Flubbliwubbliewubblies
The gang run around in circles for 5 minutes, shouting 'Boing', then repeat themselves.
Producer Anal Thret                        Subtitles...666

7.00 The Big Fucking Breakfast
Fun-packed morning show. Donna Air investigates how to open doors, and attempts walking and thinking at the same time. Richard Bacon wishes he had a better job.
Producer Gregory Pecker                   Subtitles...666

9.00 Special Access
Deeply patronising programming for the disabled.
9.10 ARE YOU OKAY THERE, MR BINGLEY? CAN YOU HEAR ME OKAY?
New series where people in wheelchairs with perfectly good hearing are shouted at by well-meaning social workers for no reason. Presented by Davina McCall.
9.30 Trigger Happy TV Access
The show where Dom Jolly plays hillarious pranks on the disabled. This week, a spring-loaded wheelchair ramp plays havoc with Stephen Hawking, and men dressed as cartoon rabbits harrass a man with only one leg until he falls over.
10.00 The Cystal Maze Access
Social workers race around the maze to complete simple puzzles on behalf of disabled people, who look on miserably. Hosted by Right Said Fred.
Producer Lillian Lillywillie                 Subtitles...666

10.30 Guinnessworld Sport
Sporting events based on well-known adverts for Guinness Irish stout. Presented by Steve Redgrave and sponsored by Guinness.
10.40 Snail Racing
Italian men stare fixedly at snails for 3 hours, before they finally realise that nothing's going to happen and it was just a fucking advert. Highlights.
11.00 Old Man Swimming
An old man has to race into a pub to get pissed before the pint is pulled. Also an investigation by Jon Snow into allegations that the event has been fixed by the old man's brother.
11.30 Horse Surfing
Four men attempt to recreate the famous advert by nailing horses to surfboards and drowing them so they look a bit like waves, you know. Features a poetry reading by Tom Paulin, and music by Leftfield.
12.00pm Drunken Philosophising
New game show where public house patrons have to squeeze the meaning of life out of an old vagrant before he dies of alchohol poisoning. Hosted by Dale Winton.
Producer Albert Camus                 Subtitles...666

12.30 That's Some Doll You Got There Mister
Film comedy starring Judy Garland and Cary Grant. A New York stockbroker is caught out molesting a department store dummy which fails to come to life and remains made out of plastic because this is the real world you idiot.
Charlie Cricket.......................................................CARY GRANT
Dummy................................................................JUDY GARLAND
Director Hal Gickybecker (1957, 18)            Subtitles...666

2.30 Fishing the Easy Way
The show which gives advice on how to get the best quality salmon. It's easy; you just fucking buy it. Presented by Alan Hansen in drag.
Producer Bill Packhed                               Subtitles...666

3.00 Naturist Weekly
Magazine show aimed at mid-afternoon unemployed perverts. This week, a look at young nublie women with little smiley faces covering their tits. Hosted by Keith Chegwin.
Producer Fuk Yu                                         Subtitles...666

4.00 Fifteen to One
Gameshow presented by William G Stewart. This week, the questions are chosen by writers of NME and refer only to obscure new wave bands from Camden in the early 80s.
Producer Andrea Corrpse                            Subtitles...666

4.30 The Amazing Chap Richard Whitely's Brilliant Quiz Show
Return of the series formerly known as Cuntdown. In an attempt by Channel 7 to placate Mr Whitely into returning to the show, Carol Vodernman is forced to perform an erotic dance while Whitely looks on, laughing softly and saying things like, 'Jolly good,' 'Very nice, love,' and 'I say, that's a bit rude!'
Producer Zobtop Ohyes                         Subtitles...666

5.00 The Real Brookside
Double bill omnibus of the even-more-horrific spinoff series. Jackie gets heavily in to debt to Jimmy and risks having her hands cut off. Meanwhile Sinbad goes insane and terrorizes the neighbourhood in a ski-mask and rubber waders, killing Nisha and Jerome with a big axe.
Producer Phil Redmond                         Subtitles...666

5.30 The Real Brookside
Clint's head is found on a spike outside Sinbad's chip shop, covered in batter, salt and vinegar.
Producer Phil Redmond                            Subtitles...666

6.00 Dawson's Crack
Unbelievabably bland US teen soap, set in rich boy Dawson's anal crevice. This week, Dawson has a bad Mexican chilli, with heart-rending consquences for the inhabitants of the Crack. With music by Nick Drake.
Producer Tori Biggot                                 Subtitles...666

6.30 I Say, It's a Shame About Those Poor Negroes, Don't You Think?
Prince Charles offers hollow sympathy to the victims of the African AIDS epedemic while riding around his many country estates on a £2 million gold-plated horse and shooting pheasants with diamond bullets.
Producer Your Auntie Gladys                    Subtitles...666

7.00 Channel 7 News
Presented by Jon Snow and Davina McCall. Featuring a special report into lemon breeding in East Timor.
Producer Sarah Michelle Gellar                 Subtitles...666

9.00 New Series
Friends 
The One Where They Rise From the Dead. After their mass sucide pact, the Friends are brought back from the netherworld by Marilyn Manson, with hillarious consquences as Joey finds half his face has been eaten away by filthy, stinking maggots.
Producer Woody Allen Onabadday       Subtitles...666

9.30 Ally McBeal
The series descends further into annoying sentimentality. This week, Ally sees unicorns and pretty rainbows after taking an overdose of dieting pills, and John Cage is eccentric. With unexpected and unnecessary singing.
Producer Nick Knak                                        Subtitles...666

10.20 Ibeeza Beech Party
In an unwise move, a large beech tree is taken onto the dancefloor of an Ibizan supermegaclub 'for a laugh, innit', collapsing during a particularly irritating trance track and decapitating serveral topless women and some men with whistles. Presented by Dermot Morgan.
Producer DJ Twat                                        Subtitles...666

11.30 7 Later: So You Think You're Working Class?
Special evening of programming where British directors and writers compete to make the most gritty, realistic and depressing depictions of working class life on film. Presented by a brickie. A real brickie, that is, not some fucking middle class drama school ponce pretending to be a brickie, because this is Channel 7, you cunt, and we're fucking real here. REAL, you understand. This is what it's really like, alright? What, so I went to Cambridge? So what? Lots of working class people go to Cambridge. No, I'm not middle-class! How dare you suggest that, you bounder! Contains swearing, graphic violence and slightly dodgy Northern accents. 
Producer Joe Pesky                                  Subtitles...666

12.00am Jimmy MacFuckinGraggen
Gritty short film starring Timothy Spall, and directed by Ken Loach. Jimmy MacFuckinGraggen wanders around the streets of Glasgow trying to find work to feed his family of starving children, then falls out of a window and dies. Includes scenes glorifying the plight of the honest working man.
Jimmy MacFuckinGraggen...........................TIMOTHY SPALL
Director Ken Loach                                    Subtitles...666

1.00 Betrayal, Death and Misery
Short and gritty film directed by Mike Leigh centred around a working class family in Liverpool and starring Ricky Tomlinson. Unable to find work, Ted Kappa spends his dole cheque at the bookies, and loses everything. Meanwhile baby daughter Louise descends into heroine addiction, and mother Pauline Kappa is forced into back-breaking labour at a button factory.
Ted Kappa....................................................RICKY TOMLINSON
Pauline Kappa......................................PETE POSTLETHWAITE
Director Mike Leigh                                    Subtitles...666

1.30 I'm Really Pissed Off, I am
Kenneth Brannagh stars in the last of tonight's gritty short films, directed by Ken Russel. In Thatcher's Britain, a group of working class men in a small Yorkshire coal-mining village lose their jobs, and go to the pub to get drunk. They end up being arrested and beaten to death by the police for no reason.
Jack Scamthope...................................KENNETH BRANNAGH
Billy Grimesby........................................EWAN MACGREGGOR
Director  Ken Russel                               Subtitles...666

2.00 7 Later: Just a Load of Sex Really
Images of softcore porn dressed up as a documentary. Features fake breasts. With a fleeting glimpse of Davina McCall.
Producer Wivvy MacEnroe                         Subtitles...666

2.30 7 Later: The Evil Dark Side
Terrifying and disturbing true stories of urban Britain. This week, the man who collects rusty coins, and a bloke with a scary-looking dog.
Producer Fuk Mee                              Subtitles...666

3.00 Oh, Ambassador! (With This Ferero Roche You Are Really Spoiling Us!)
Bizarre French erotic drama based on the popular chocolate advertisement. Pipi travels to the city where she sucumbs to the drugged entrees of the mysterious Ambassador, and embarks on a surprisingly dull journey of sexual discovery.
Director Chocky Biscquiet                           Subtitles...666

4.30 Hannibal
US sitcom about madcap serial-killer Hannibal Lector, starring a man who looks quite a bit like Anthony Hopkins. Hannibal's parents come into town unexpectedly, forcing him to hide his collection of human organs. With a guest appearance by the partially decomposed kidney of George Fornby.
Producer Kendal Minkycakes                     Subtitles...666

5.00 The Amazing Chap Richard Whitely's Brilliant Quiz Show
The contestants must grovel at Whitely's feet, spelling out unusual and slightly sexual words, such as 'bicephalous' and 'cockrel' while Whitely laughs quietly.
Producer Crystal Tit                                 Subtitles...666