7.45am Ronan! gets what he deserves.
Crude but violent animation for children.
|
6.00am Live and Kicking?
Morning show hosted by the
partially reanimated corpses of popular dead stars of TV and film. This
week's guest presenters are Benny Hill's bloated carcass and the remains
of Joni Mitchell. Also features a performance by new boy band 4Skin.
6.30 Kung Fu Super Frog
Killfest
Poorly-dubbed Japanese animation
about a group of intergalactic space ninja frogs which attempts to enforce
a Japanese moral system on Western children. This episode; Jakko fails
at his mission, and in his shame takes his own life. Meanwhile Sudu has
sex with a 12-year old schoolgirl.
7.45 Ronan!
Cartoon series following the
adventures of top boyband impresario Ronan Keating, and written by a vindictive
heavy metal fan. This week, Ronan is hideously dismembered by the members
of Napalm Death, then his still-living head is gaffa-taped to the speakers
at a Deftones concert, exploding during a rendition of 'Elite'. Contains
some mild violence.
8.25 She-man: Master of
the Universe
Animated series following the
life of a Bangkok ladyboy. This episode, She-man fights with her pimp,
and has to deal with a particularly quarrelsome British client.
Producer Jimmy Hirohito
Subtitles...666
9.00 Film Premiere
E.T. 2
 Sequel
to the original Speilberg classic, withheld for 14 years by the censors
and only now shown on UK TV. The Extra Terrestrial returns to Earth 10
years later, having passed through puberty and grown a three-foot-long
retractable penis. He embarks on a journey of sexual discovery in sleepy
small town America with a variety of humans, animals and inanimate objects.
Features scenes of an adult nature.
E.T...........................................................YUL
BRYNER
Boy with the stupid haircut..........DONNY
OSMOND
Director Bernard Manning (1985,
18)Subtitles...666
11.00 Formula One Racing
Coverage of the Grand Prix
at Monte Carlo. Commentary by Murray Walker.
11.25 The cars go round
the track a couple of time, very fast.
11.40 The cars are still
going round the track very fast. Coverage continues later.
Producer Hil Billie
Subtitles...666
12.00pm Chartwank
Ant 'n' Dec present the pop
magazine show, featuring videos and live performances (basically videos,
only done in the studio in other fucking words). Includes new Irish sensations
West5zone performing their hit single 'Oh Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Wank
Me Oh'.
Producer Pete Waterman
Subtitles...666 |
1.00 Formula One
Racing
1.10 The cars remain
going round the track very fast.
1.20 Still doing it.
1.30 Still going.
1.40 Dum de dum...
2.00 Fuck me, this is
boring.
2.20 Round they go again.
2.30 Whee.
2.45 A roundup of the
racing action so far.
3.35 Cars going round
track again. Taking the piss now.
3.55 Coverage concludes.
Producer Caramel Ishbit
Subtitles...666
4.00 Skelmersdale
Soap about the residents of
a depressed Northern town. Mandy gets stuck in a door, and must be removed
by cutting her layers of fat away with a blunt saw. Todd goes down the
offie and buys some special brew, then hangs around the town centre with
his mates for a bit.
Producer George Best
Subtitles...666
4.30 Home and Away
Australian soap following the
fortunes of a semi-pro football team from Sunderland. This episode, the
team lose a match as Jim voids his bowels unexpectedly during a penalty
shoot-out. Double bill.
Producer Rolf Harris
Subtitles...666
5.25 STV Celebrity News
Special news bulletin designed
to replace all coverage of national and world events with details about
Celebrities, every detail of their fascinating lives. Features exclusive
footage of Nicole Appleton's left molar, and an interview with someone
who once met a bloke who saw Prince Andrew a couple of years back, like.
Presented by Trevor McDonald crying miserably and wishing he'd gone to
Channel 4 when he had the chance.
Producer Wivmak Kakban
Subtitles...666
6.00 Celebrity Coronation Street
New version of the show. Celebrities
replace the normal actors and attempt to follow the script of the show
without rehearsing. This episode, Madonna decides she's had enough of running
the local shop, and hires a team of semi-naked men to do it for her.
Producer Quince Jelly
Subtitles...666
6.30 Stars In Their Eyes
Real people contestants perform
their own horrendous renditions of appalling pop shite while ninja assassins
hurl deadly steel throwing stars into their eyes for a laugh. Presented
by that cunt, Matthew Kelly.
Producer Marvin Gav
Subtitles...666
7.30 Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? Well?
I Don't Want No Fucking Heroes, Mate.
The show is revamped by Guy
Ritchie, and Chris Tarrant is cast as a loveable criminal and armed with
a sawn-off shotgun. Tarrant blasts the fuck out of any dirty nonce who
gets a question wrong, then scarpers with the cash. Pukka.
Producer Guy Ritchie
Subtitles...666
|
8.30 The Shit Awards 2001
Full coverage of the annual
fixed music awards, hosted by Jamie Theakston and Davina McCall. Viewers
can vote for their choice of Best Newcomer. The nominations include: Boyzone,
Craig David, David Gray, Boyzone, Toploader and Uruesi Yatsura. To vote
call 0891-3232-SHIT. Please note you are forbidden from voting for Urusei
Yatsura.
Producer Pete Waterman
Subtitles...666
11.00 They're Watching You, You Git
Sex
conspiracy murder thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone. Wall
street wanker Rick Dochretty becomes embroiled in a plot of extremely confusing
machinations and unnecessary sex scenes when he is caught at an exclusive
lemon-molesting club. He dies in the end.
Rick Dochretty.................................MICHAEL
DOUGLAS
Niriam James.........................................SHARON
STONE
Twat..............................................................JAMIE
OLIVER
Director Oliver Stone (1993,
15) Subtitles...666
12.30am STV Celebrity News
Because, let's face it, the
threat of nuclear Armageddon is of little importance compared to what Tara
Pamela Tompkinson was wearing last night, dearie. With Trevor McDonald
weeping softly in the corner.
Producer Jimmy Stewart
Subtitles...666
1.00 Dial A Kill
The show where psychopathic
killers get to choose their victims from an array of prospective men and
women, all looking to be brutally slaughtered then gutted and nailed to
a tree.
Producer Miv Andypandy
Subtitles...666
1.30 Vigilante Gigolo Warrior
Series based on the film, and
starring Zak Treesey. Tough guy Bill Redman is forced away from
his home and family to a life on the run, where he has to balance satisfying
the needs of middle-aged ladies, his fight for justice and an inexplicable
sub-plot involving chicken-raising.
Producer Rocky Bugger
Subtitles...666
2.20 Baywatch
TV series starring David
Hasselhof and Ernie Wise and set on Blackpool beach. Tad accidentally
stabs his foot with an infected hypodermic syringe while walking on the
sand, and Susa gets attacked by a deranged blind donkey.
Producer Cathleen Nobfest
Subtitles...666
3.00 Bill's Big Guns and Chicks
Right-wing survivalist Bill
Bush hosts his shows from a bunker in the Nevada desert, interspersing
articles on guns and titties with his views on Negroes, the Jewish conspiracy
and the Chinese infiltration of the personal stereo market.
Producer Janice Bubba
Subtitles...666
3.30 Deadly Style
US
TV movie, starring Rik J Fannyborne Jnr. III. Computer programmer
Richard Frane is man with a mullet so hideous it kills everyone he meets
instantly.
Richard Frane..........RIK
J FRANNYBORNE JNR. III
Bunny Adamant..................................FILLI
EINSTEIN
Director Karl Bokhup (1991,
TVM) Subtitles...666 |
