9.00pm the Rt. Hon. William Hague and friends welcome the non-British contestants in the Toryvision Song Contest.

6.00 BFC News
Depressing and tragic world events, followed by a humorous bit at the end about an escaped pig or something.
Producer Buffy Summers            Subtitles...666

7.00 The Real Breakfast Show
Reality-TV show presented by Anneka Rice and Bill Clinton. There's controversy in the breakfast show house as Anneka realizes that Bill is in fact well-known presidential lookalike and mass-murderer Quentin MacBach. And he's also not done the washing-up.
Producer Rip Van My Arse           Subtitles...666

8.00 BFC News
Basically the same thing again, you know. They ate  the pig in the end.
Producer Buffy Summers               Subtitles...666

8.20 Look North- No, West- No, East- No, Not That Way!
TV show where the confused American foreign policy is dramatized by men with sticks beating children.
Producer George Bushy            Subtitles...666

8.30 New Series
Apathy Politics
Morning debate show where apathetic members of the public begin a debate, then decide they can't be bothered and just go down the pub instead.
Producer oh, who cares                Subtitles...666

9.00 Doctor Fanny, Medicine Woman
Unfortunately-titled US drama series about a lone Southern female doctor in Civil War America. Doctor Fanny beats a black man to death for looking at her funny.
Producer W G Snuffy Walden        Subtitles...666

10.00 Freudian Thunderbirds
The partially-reanimated corpse of Sigmund Freud joins the puppet sci-fi series to draw psychoanalytic conclusions from aspects of the show. This episode, Freud suggests that Thunderbird One looks a bit like a big cock.
Producer Dutch Cap                        Subtitles...666

10.30 Working Lunch
The show which helps young professionals get by without the distraction of lunch, by displaying images of food rotten and covered in maggots to put them off eating.
Producer Margaret Thatcher          Subtitles...666

11.20 Aye, Yeah, So I'm a Fucking Tellytubby, So What? You Calling Me a Ponce? I'll Fucking Have You, Mate
Alleged homosexual and cross-dressing tellytubby Tinkywinky reveals his working-class criminal origins in a blistering attack.
Producer Tinkywinky                      Subtitles...666

1.00pm BFC News
With some great recipes for pork dishes.
Producer Buffy Summers                  Subtitles...666

1.30 Dogshave Danger-Mission
60s action series where Robert Vaughn is part of a shadowy government agency attempting to halt the encroachment of Communism by shaving as many dogs as possible.
Producer Montgomery Burns        Subtitles...666

2.10 Sunass Beach Crack
US soap. Dawnetta is shocked by Brad's revelation, but Purity bursts in on them and jumps to conclusions. Robine returns from the dead having undergone a sex-change operation, to the surprise of Joz.
Producer Flaming Jizzhead           Subtitles...666

2.30 Esther
Big-toothed do-gooder Esther Rantzen hosts the meaningless talk show. Today, unemployed clowns ask the question 'Who the hell wants to hear about unemployed clowns anyway?'
Producer Zigu Pantherfuka       Subtitles...666

3.00 Country Wanks
Sir Anthony Hopkins travels around the Welsh countryside, stopping off to choke his chicken in his favourite natural beauty spots.
Producer Xavier Willybiter        Subtitles...666

3.30 Home Front on the Front
Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and his team of trained chimpanzees travel to war torn areas of the globe, in an attempt to add some glamour and style to conflict everywhere. This week, the team visit the West Bank, and spruce up the barracks of an Israeli helicopter division.
Producer My Mate Alan              Subtitles...666

4.30 World Championship Pub Pool
New hidden-camera coverage of Friday and Saturday night's pub pool. From the Dog and Spanner, Sheffield. Relatively sober contestants begin a good-natured game of doubles, while Big Jim Hargreaves starts a game with well-known con artist Larry Belmont. Hosted by Dougie Donnelly, with commentary by John Virgo and Dennis Taylor.
Producer Salman Rushdie            Subtitles...666

5.30 TOTP2
Appalling musical performances from the 80s which actually sound even worse the second time round. With cunt Steve Wright.
Producer Nutter                                Subtitles...666

6.00 World Championship Pub Pool
Coverage continues. The players get increasingly drunk, and an argument breaks out over who's turn it was on the table, with one team claiming their 20p was nicked by the other team. Big Jim wins two games against Larry, and is incited to play another game, this time betting all of his winnings.
Producer Salman Rushdie            Subtitles...666

7.30 New Series
Archaeology Uncovered 
New series which attempts to combine the successful formulae of as many formats as possible. Partially-naked archaeologists appear in Mr Filben Sprek's garden to dig it up and see what they can find, you know. The show is shot entirely on the chest level of co-presenter Charlie Dimmock. Features images of a sexual nature throughout.
Producer Benny Hill                         Subtitles...666

9.00 Toryvision Song Contest
Eurovision comes to Britain this year, hosted by William Hague and the partially-reanimated corpse of Enoch Powell. In an unusual move, contestants from outside the UK will be held in concentration camps during the contest, while outside Hague makes a witty but disturbing speech about the flood of immigrants. During the performance, Hague will shout 'Go home, you garlic-munching Eurocrats!' and similar things in an attempt to drown out the music. The panel of judges is made up solely of  key Tory voters: namely middle-class white people from the Home Counties, and members of the BNP. Commentary by Terry Wogan.
Producer Tony Blair (ooh)            Subtitles...666

10.00 Real Fucking Rough Estates, Like
Real-life drama series which follows a couple of foul-mouthed yobs as they jump on cars, run away from the police and piss in an old lady's letterbox.
Producer A Fucking Bloke And No Messing  Subtitles...666

10.30 Film Premiere
Speed: 3 
High-octane action movie starring Tom Cruise as a traffic cop who has to stop a speeding moped, rigged by Islamic terrorists to explode if it goes above or below 4 mph.
Bill McSummers.............................................TOM CRUISE
Jenny McSummers.....................MELINDA MESSENGER
Naked Protester #4.................................HARVEY KIETEL
Director Ridley Scott (2000, 17)            Subtitles...666

12.00am Gunhead Bodymech Man
Cult Japanese sci-fi film from director Toshiko Onawaka. A man wakes up to discover a massive weapon has sprouted from his forehead, so he decides to go on a killing spree for a laugh. In Japanese with German subtitles.
Gunhead man................................YOSHI YAKAMURA
Underage Girl...............................BELINDA CARLISLE
Director Toshiko Onawka (1979, X)   Subtitles...666

1.30 BFC Leaning Zone
Further educational programmes, like you give a shit.
1.35 Daily Mail Culture
British art, music and literature is explored by the Daily Mail arts critic. Part 4: What, You Call That A Painting? Well, What's It Supposed To Be Then?
2.05 BSc Laddism
Series which offers study suggestions for those undertaking a degree in being a stupid 'new lad' wanker. Part 6: Objectifying Women Through Reading 'Loaded' and Pretending You've Had Lots of Sex When Actually No-one Would Go Near You If You Fucking Paid Them You Sad Little Misogynist. Presented by Vinnie Jones.
2.20 Middle-class Living Room Art
Sister Mary travels to middle-class homes to examine rubbish pictures of kittens, water landscapes and Victorian children. Then she gets her kit off.
2.50 Political Evasion GSCE
Trade and Industry secretary Steven Byers presents a course in how to completely fail to answer any question which is put to you, and instead go on about how the opposition are a load of shit.
3.10 Learning Chinese
Basic Chinese taught by members of the US foreign office. Part 34: I Ain't Gonna Learn No Commie Language.
3.15 Landrovers Unclothed
The series which takes a look at the more intimate areas of classic all-terrain vehicles. This episode: I say, What A Nice Pair of Hubcaps, Darling. Presented by Graham Threlfall.
3.45 A-Level Eugenics
Scientists attempt to create the perfect mouse by cutting other mice up, then putting the bits in a microwave. Then they graft another ear on its back because it looked cool the last time they did it.
Producer Me                      Subtitles...666