10.40pm Essential Clubbing: dance culture meets senseless brutality.

6.30 The Flubbilliewubbliewubblies
Inane series for toddlers. The Flubblies wandering repeatedly into a wall, and fall over. Then they eat their own shit.
Producer Anal Thret                      Subtitles...666

7.00 The Big Fucking Breakfast
To try and spice up the show, real people are substituted for the celebrity guests. Donna Air interviews Jim Rodney from Barnsley fish market, and he spends the entire interview either staring at her chest or talking about Sheffield Wednesday FC. Meanwhile Richard Bacon talks to Mandy Blimsale from a Dudley hairdresser's about how her boyfriend Steve is getting right on her nerves. Still shit.
Producer  Nathan Barley            Subtitles...666

9.00 T7: Existential Annie
Children's existential cartoon series about the adventures of Annie the sheepdog. This week, Annie meditates on the phenomenological nature of existence, then is suddenly shot in the head.
Producer  Steve Earnshaw          Subtitles...666

9.25 T7: T-shirt Che
Animation series about the life of a T-shirt bearing the face of Cuban revolutionary Che Guevera. Che is ejaculated on by Carol's drunken boyfriend.
Producer Rasban Killer             Subtitles...666

9.55 T7: Popshite
Pop trivia with mindless interviews and 10-second video segments delivered by speed-addled teenage presenters. With Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver.
Producer Pete Waterman              Subtitles...666

10.15 T7: Space Mangler
US sci-fi series. Captain McCraw and his crew enter into a subspaceatomic vulva-flux, but the Ringbakt fleet of inter-modular jazz destruction catches up with them. In Science Fiction with English subtitles.
Producer Wazbang Xandar III       Subtitles...666

11.00 The Carebears Do Dallas
Japanese hentai version of the children's cartoon show. The 'Bears arrive in Dallas, penniless and in need of some quick cash. With voice-overs from a star-studded cast. Features scenes some animal-lovers may find disturbing.
Love-Bear....................................SIR ANOTHY HOPKINS
Heart-Bear...............................JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAM
Wuss-Bear..............................................JULIA ROBERTS
Fuck-Bear...............................................BORIS KARLOFF
Director Ishymura Ass-Monster (1987, U)Subtitles...666

12.30pm Lemmy's History of Germany
Holocaust-denying Nazi fuckbag Lemmy from Motörhead presents a look at the history of Germany. Part 2: Nah, I don't reckon they killed that many Jews.
Producer  Jiggy Withit              Subtitles...666

1.10 Flying Doctors
Australian soap. A team of doctors become the result of a hideous medical experiment, spouting wings with which they flap around helplessly, before crashing to the ground in a broken, bloody heap. With a guest appearance by Crocodile Dundee's Paul Hogan.
Producer Suk Fik                                 Subtitles...666
 

2.00 The Outlaw Joesy from Wales
Film western about the adventures of notorious outlaw, Joesy Rhys. Joesy travels to the Wild West in the hope of adventure, but is hampered by his accent and a load of crap sheep jokes.
Joesy Rhys......................................GRIFF RHYS-JONES
Sheep joke man #1...................................JOHN WAYNE
Sheep joke man #2............................BURT REYNOLDS
Sheep joke man #3........................................BOB DYLAN
Sheep joke man with no name.......CLINT EASTWOOD
Director Bill Weinhof (1972, PG)          Subtitles...666

3.30 Love the Easy Way
Elton John presents the show which shows you how to find love, the easy way. It's easy, you just fucking buy it. But you can't by love. Or can you? Elton chairs a studio debate while being fellated by members of boyband sensation Westlife.
Producer Ethan Milunch            Subtitles...666

4.00 Fifteen to One
The quiz show where contestants answer difficult questions while being perpetually stranded in time at 12.45am. Hosted by William G Stewart.
Producer Sean Goater                   Subtitles...666

4.30 Countdown
In an unusual violent twist, Richard Whitely sits with his hand on the nuclear button as contestants are forced to solve the world conundrum before the clock stops and Whitely triggers the end of humanity. With Carol Voderman.
Producer Crystall Tit                          Subtitles...666

5.00 Ozzy Pet Rescue
Ozzy Osborne presents the series where veterinary surgeons fight to save the lives of all the animals he has bitten, shot or shat on.
Producer Chris Morris                    Subtitles...666

5.30 Friends
Double bill. The One With the Crack Overdose. Monica foolishly bakes a cake with a kg. of cocaine rather than flour, with hilarious results as the cast convulse around the flat, choking on their own vomit.
Producer Rubertt Murdok                  Subtitles...666

6.00 Friends
The One Where Joey Accidentally Anally-penetrates Phoebe. In a hilarious mistake of identity, Joey sleeps with Phoebs, thinking that he was fulfilling his long-standing desire for a homosexual relationship with Chandler.
Producer Rubertt Murdok                  Subtitles...666

6.30 The Priory
The cult magazine show. From the American wilderness, Jamie Theakston and Zoe Ball entertain guests while preparing for the apocalypse and training with guns.
Producer David Koresh                  Subtitles...666

7.00 Channel 7 News
National and world events which are new. Duh. With Jon Snow and Krishnan Guru-Murthy, both in drag.
Producer Sarah Michelle Gellar              Subtitles...666

7.50 New Series
Royal Thoughts 
The daily thoughts of Prince Charles are given airtime. Today, If vegetables could talk, what would they say? Would they speak proper English, or with one of those quaint regional accents?
Producer Your Auntie Gladys                 Subtitles...666

8.00 The Real Brookside
Sinbad continues his reign or terror, disembowelling Jimmy and wrapping his intestines in newspaper with a little salt 'n' pepper.
Producer Phil Redmond                         Subtitles...666

8.30 The Secret Life of Minor Royals New Series
Professor David Starkey investigates the dark secrets of minor members of the royalty throughout the ages. Part 7: Baron Cromby's Hidden Veruca.
Producer The Daily Mail                        Subtitles...666
 
 

10.00 New Fucking Series Already
Big Brother 
The new housemates arrive, and already the contest to find out who the biggest self-obsessed, boring cunt is. Features images of 35 year-olds dressing like they're still 19.
Producer Satan                                   Subtitles...666

10.40 Essential Clubbing
Five wankers embark on an essential hedonistic journey around Canada and Alaska to spend their nights at essential hedonistic raves and their days beating baby seals to death.
Producer DJ Twat                                     Subtitles...666

11.30 Flatcunts
Five hopefuls vie for a place in a flat inhabited by three or four obnoxious former students. The selection process involves various humiliating and judgmental games, after which the flatcunts makes their choice of the biggest wanker.
Producer Pretentious Fuck                     Subtitles...666

12.00am 7 Music
An evening of programs dedicated to repeats of shows about Ibiza interspersed with tiny interviews with decent bands.

12.05 7 Music: Flava
DJs and rappers flaunt their wealth and success. This week, Puff Daddy walks laughing through deprived areas of Brooklyn wearing a $3 million panda-fur coat and lighting his cigar with 100 dollar bills. Also new sensation MC Tom Paulin talks about his life in the ghettos of Dublin.
Producer Original Rudeboy                 Subtitles...666

12.28 7 Music: Mogwai
Mogwai are interviewed for 2 seconds, giving Stuart Braithwaite just enough time to say, 'Aye, it's fucking-' before it ends.
Producer Mashbag Buckfast                  Subtitles...666

12.30 7 Music: DJ Journals
DJ Seb Fontaine talks about how it's all about the music and everything really. Then he buys ten Mercedes just to show he can.
Producer DJ Mastershit                              Subtitles...666

1.00 7 Music: Yogurtfields
Essential exclusive coverage of the heavily-commercialised dance event from Cornwall. Includes a DJ performance by Dave Pearce, where he basically plays records and occasionally waves his hand in the air like a twat.
Producer MC Fuckhead                             Subtitles...666

2.00 Film Premiere
Baiser une Poulet
French film drama, based on the novel. Several characters become embroiled in a net of relationships as they are all caught with chickens concealed about their persons.
Marie............................................................JACQUES RENOIR
Antoine.....................................CLAUDETTE FOUS LE CAMP
Director Terence Degager (1992, 18)     Subtitles...666

3.30 Islamworld Sport
Sporting action from repressive Islamic-fundamentalist regimes around the world. Introduced by Salman Rushdie.
3.40 I Can See You Face, Whore!
This week's competition from Afghanistan. Veiled women are forced to dance enthusiastically to the music of Abba without letting their veils slip. If they show their faces, Taliban militia shoot them dead. Highlights.
4.30 Intellectual Racing
Iraqi intellectuals race to destroy all of their damning literature before state police beat down their doors. All this month's action.
Producer Sadam Insane                      Subtitles...666

5.30 Countdown
Sadly Richard Whitely reveals the nuclear button was fake, and it was "all for a bit of a giggle, you know."
Producer Zobtop Ohyes                      Subtitles...666